Hunter Hearst Helmsley Is Not Allowed To Do
by VampireXHeart2442
Summary: 51 Things Hunter Hearst Helmsley is not allowed to do. The title wouldnt let me fit it all. Enjoy!
1. Part 1

**I've always loved these things so I decided to make one.**

**For those who don' know who Kayley Michaels is, she is the main character in my stories Priceless Sweet Chin Music and Actions Speak Volumes. She is the daughter of Shawn Michaels and the wife of John Cena. Destiny and Ayden are their children.**

**If you would like, you can make short stories out of any of the rules. You have permission. Just send me the link so I can favorite the story!**

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**51 Things Hunter Hearst Helmsley Is Not Allowed To Do;**

1. "International Talk like a Pirate Day" is not to be celebrated.

2. Mark Callaway does not have a mascot. If he did, it would not be a weasel, tapeworm, malaria parasite, Portuguese man-of-war, slime mold, or dung beetle.

3. Tell Shawn's grandchildren that the beer in the fridge is actually apple juice.

4. Yell loudly when the grandchildren wake up with hangovers.

5. Furthermore, he is not allowed to talk or go anywhere near Ayden or Destiny. Period.

6. He shouldn't drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during a urine test.

7. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation while using the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."

8. Slip-n-Slides have no place in the shower stalls.

9. He cannot arrest children for being rude.

10. Steal Mark's Mountain Dew and blame it on Jeff Hardy, even though he is currently working for TNA.

11. Hum the 'Jaws' theme song when Randy Orton walks by.

12. Tell Stephanie that Vince 'touched his poosle', even though he doesn't have one.

13. Tell Shawn he dresses like a hobo.

14. Walk around backstage in a Speedo three sizes too small.

15. Ask if his butt looks big in the three sizes too small Speedo.

16. Refer to Jeff Hardy as 'fire crotch' when his hair is red.

17. Burp the alphabet backwards while doing a headstand in the middle of catering.

18. Tell rookies that he will make them an honorary member or DX if they can a picture of Shawn naked.

19. When Shawn finds out about this, Hunter is not allowed to scream, "YOU WERE INTO THAT KINKY SEX LAST NIGHT!" near the Gorilla position where the fans can hear.

20. Steal the Diva's bras and wear them over his shirt.

21. Switch John Cena's boxers with Big Show's and freeze them in a freezer.

22. Tell the rookies that if they don't make it, they become the meal next week for catering.

23. Save his armpit hair in a jar and tell everyone it was Shawn's hair that was left on the pillow.

24. For the love of god, don't talk to Sheamus about American politics.

25. Tell Ted DiBiase Jr. that he might have been a girl in a former life because of all his 'bitching'.

26. Run around backstage passing out small windmills and telling people to 'blow him'.

27. Randomly yell "But Kayley is the only woman who fulfilled my needs!" in public.

28. Throw Randy Orton and Kayley Michaels in a closet and take bets on who will come out alive.

29. Refer to Vince McMahon as "Darth Vader".

30. Wave a 'magic wand' when the production truck has a glitch.

31. Not allowed duct tape, no matter how long he begs.

32. Elevators are not toys.

33. Elevators are not portals to other worlds.

34. Yelling "Fire In The Hole!" whenever a Diva is on their period.

35. Lasers are for pointing and that's it.

36. Cuckoo clocks are not allowed in the executive conference room, the Michaels household, the Cena household, or the Orton household.

37. The elves in the back stage's "winter holiday" display must remain unmolested.

38. Tossing Shawn's and Mark's personal items off the roof is not an accepted form of "stress testing."

39. His proper title is "The Game, Triple H" not "Princess Anastasia".

40. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants and hand them out to the Diva's.

41. May no longer perform his now (in)famous "Barbie Girl Dance".

42. Sheamus is not after his "lucky charms".

43. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of his actions.

44. Our medic is called "Steve Mastiff", not "Dr. Feelgood".

45. He does not have super-powers and see through clothes, even if he did guess the correct color of Randy Orton's boxers.

46. The following words and phrases may not be used in the presence of any Superstar - Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this company and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Southerner's are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, my dick cost the late night fee and your dick has the HIV, Irish hooker, carpet muncher, we've all got lube now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

47. He is not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

48. Nerve gas is not funny.

49. Vince McMahon is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and he should stop implying that he did.

50. Ted DiBiase or Cody Rhode are not Randy Orton's "bitch".

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"Do you think that covers everything?" John asked as he tilted his head sideways at the mounted paper.

"It better be." Randy Orton responded.

Kayley finished taping the document to the wall. "Do you think he'll follow it?"

Ted shrugged, making Shawn groan. "More than likely. If not, we can always take that stuffed animal away from him again." Shawn replied.

They were silent for a moment, trying hard not to respond to the calling of their names, more importantly Randy's and John's. Unable to endure it any longer since it was getting closer and more annoying, John turned around to face Hunter who had just walked up to meet them. "What Hunter?"

Hunter came up, holding a laptop and pointing to the screen. "I didn't know you and Randy had gay sex in a McDonald's parking lot."

John's eyes got wide and Randy shook his head. "What are you reading?"

Hunter slowly backed away. "Nothing…"

Shawn walked over and looked at the screen. "Are you serious?"

"DON'T JUDGE ME!" Hunter cried walking off.

Shawn grabbed the pen in Kayley's hand, leaning down to write another rule.

_51. Hunter is not allowed to read Fanfiction even though some of the fans make elaborate visions. _


	2. Part 2

**I got a great response on the last one, so here are some more!**

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1. Blow raspberries every time Vince or Shawn speak. Not only is it disrespectful but it is uncalled for from a 40 year old.

2. Give John Cena and Randy Orton "The Talk"

3. Cannot hiss at children in the middle of Wal-Mart while he is playing with the WWE action figures.

4. Cannot link himself and Shawn with a leash.

5. Or use handcuffs to link them together.

6. He is no longer allowed any type of rope, wire, handcuffs, or leash's.

7. Cannot play 'Whack the Heartbreaker' with a sledgehammer.

8. He cannot play 'Whack the Legend Killer' either.

9. He is not allowed to attempt 'Sweet Chin Music' because there was a 'bug' on someone's face.

10. Since his (in)famous "Barbie Girl Dance" is forbidden, he still isn't allowed to perform "Swan Lake" in the middle of the hallway.

11. He cannot stand in front of a hotel camera and stare into it as he purposefully picks his nose.

12. He is not allowed to mark himself with the counterfeit detecting pen, notice that the ink doesn't change color, and shout "I'M REAL!"

13. He is not allowed to take over the intercom of the arena and burst out in song.

14. More importantly, Britney Spears, Hilary Duff, or sing any theme song from the TV. (That includes putting his own twist on Shawn's entrance theme.)

15. When Randy Orton and John Cena get into an argument, he is not allowed to yell, "It's a lovers spat!" (They still have not forgiven him about the Fanfiction incident.)

16. He cannot help Dave Batista harass the NXT Rookies.

17. Actually, he is not longer allowed near them.

18. Male Superstars cannot get pregnant, so running around saying he is with child is not an excuse for not pulling his weight in the ring.

19. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol.

20. Not allowed to chew gum in catering, unless he brought enough for everybody.

21. Not allowed to chew gum in catering even if he did bring enough for everybody.

22. He is not allowed to buy, sell, look, think, or smell gum. Randy Orton is still, currently, attempting to get the gum off the back of his pants.

23. Our towel and water guy is George Watkins not 'Sugar Daddy'.

24. He may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a storyline idea.

25. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Shawn Michaels.

26. There are no evil clowns living under his bed.

27. He is neither the King nor Queen of cheese.

28. He is not the King or Queen of anything.

29. If the thought of something makes him giggle for longer than 15 seconds, he is to assume that he is not allowed to do it.

30. Inflatable sheep do not need to be displayed during a locker room inspection.

31. Crucifixes do not ward off Undertaker, and he should not test that. Again.

32. He is not allowed to call Shawn Michaels a "Redneck Zombie".

33. Vodka, green food coloring, and a Cool Mint Listerine bottle are not good combinations.

34. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

35. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

36. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as he likes.

37. 'No Drinking of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's IV is acceptable.

38. 'Shpadoinkle' is not a real word.

39. He should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke.

40. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in during a drug test is not funny.

41. In the ring, a 'wedgie' is not considered a legal takedown.

42. He does not get "that time of month" (See #18.)

43. No, his wrestling trunks are not optional.

44. He is not a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

45. When he is in the ring, he cannot attempt something he saw in a cartoon.

46. The WWE employee's are not interested in why he 'just happens' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of his car.

47. Not allowed to sneak into the production truck, use Windows Movie Maker to edit promos and make the videos to the song "The Chicken Dance".

48. Not allowed to "baa" at people.

49. He is not longer allowed to partake in 'April Fool's Day'.

50. He is not a Professor of the Dark Arts.

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"This better do it this time." John said, taping the second list next to the first one.

Randy put a hand on his shoulder, nodding as he looked at the lists. "I'm sure that's all."

Shawn scoffed. "This is Hunter, there are bound to be more rules."

"Let's not curse ourselves." Mark warned.

"Hey guys!" Hunter yelled running up to them.

"Oh lord…" John groaned quietly.

Hunter stopped short, looking at Undertaker. "You need to cut your hair."

Mark rolled his eyes. "Our hair is the same length, son."

"It would look better in pigtails." Hunter smiled after a few moments of thought.

"You're dead." Mark growled. Soon Hunter was running down the hall with Mark hot on his heels.

"Here ya go Shawn." John sighed.

He sighed, taking the pen.

51_. Suggesting that Taker's hair would look good in 'pigtails' will get him hurt._


End file.
